Commitment is inherent in any genuinely loving relationship. ~ M Scott Peck
Love was in the air for couples who were celebrating Valentine’s Day yesterday. Do we treasure what we have right now? How exactly were relationship forms? Mark Knapp forms a model of relationships which describes the progession and development of relationship as a series of 10 stages in two phases.
First Phase – Coming Together Second Phase – Coming Apart
Stage 1: Initiating Stage 6: Differentiating
Stage 2: Experimenting Stage 7: Circumscribing
Stage 3: Intensifying Stage 8: Stagnating
Stage 4: Integrating Stage 9: Avoiding
Stage 5: Bonding Stage 10: Terminating
I will be focusing more on the coming together phase. Allow me to share with you excerpts of this heart-warming article, which was feature in The Straits Times – Special Report segment Published on 14th Feb 2009. About how a homemaker who stands by her once strong and healthy husband who is now paralysed. Let us talk about how they met and got together base on Knapp’s Model of relationships.
Stage 1: Initiating (How they first met)
This couple met when she was 17 years old growing up in Sanur, Bali.
Stage 2: Experimenting (Getting acquaintance with each other)
Siti Fatimah loved teasing the Singaporean man who always patronized her mom’s satay stall daily. She would always tell Mr Chong Tee Chye who was working for an ornamental fish supplier “Get married quick and hire me to look after your children” Loves work in a mysterious way. A year later, Mr Chong did get married and his bride was Siti.
Stage 3: Intensifying (Disclosure of feeling to the other party)
Siti Fatimah’s mother used to wonder why he came to the stall everyday. It was only later that he told her, he just wanted to see her. He told her it was “cinta pandang pertama” using the Indonesian phase for love at first sight.
Stage 4: Integrating (We are a couple)
He won her heart by being nice to her parents and siblings, especially to her younger brother
Stage 5: Bonding (Commitment to one another, Marriage)
They married in 1993 after she has completed the Indonesian equivalent for A levels. He was 35 , she 18. The couple made Singapore their home just before the arrival of their daughter Farah Rasita, now 14. They went on to have two sons Muhd Rifqi, 10 and Muhd Raihan, 6. He doted on her and took care of everything. He brought the groceries, took the children to school, paid the bills and ferried her everywhere.
Life seems complete for the couple together with their three children who move in to their own spanking new four rooms flat in Sengkang in 2000 after living several years in rented quarters. However, misfortune has a role in this loves story. Tragedy struck on the very faithful day 28 Aug 07.
Mr Chong who did not return home as he always did by 5pm and his employer rang several times asking where he was. When he did not appeared by midnight, her neighbor Rukmina Debi brought her to file a report at the police station. Soon after, his employer rang to say that Mr Chong was found slumped against his seat in his lorry, which was parked by the side of a road near his office. The engine was running, the air conditioner was switched on but he was unconscious. A blood vessel had burst in his brain and he was in coma for more than a month.
Doctors told Siti to expect for the worst. Even if he were to wake up, they said, he would be severely incapacitated. “But she scolded them and told them that no matter what, she would always be by his side” said Mdm Rukmina. Mr Chong did open his eyes, the day before Hari Raya Aidilfitri. He went home two months later, unable to speak and paralysed on his right side. Although he can now lift his left hand, he can barely control it. Yet he is lucid and fully aware of his surrounding. He “speaks” by pointing to letters of the alphabet on a folded poster Siti always keeps by his side.
Beside bathing and dressing Mr Chong everyday, she ensures he gets his meals every 3 hours via a feeding tube. Some nights, she tosses and turns worrying over finances and her children’s future wondering what could have been.
The family is indeed very close and it is obvious. When the youngest boy comes home from school, the first thing he does is to kiss his father’s feet and bury his head affectionately in his neck. Siti would also consult him on issues concerning the children. When they want something, she will tell them to ask him, as he is still their father.
As for Mr Chong he knew that he has a great wife. He salutes her by painstakingly raising his left hand to gives her a thumbs up. When asked if he worries about his wife and their children, he let out a piteously guttural cry. A trickle of tears seeps from the corners of his eyes.
From this little sharing, I am sure one can see how committed Siti was to take her of her paralysed husband on top of her 3 children. This is not an easy feat for a lady who need not worry in the past about anything except to cook, mind her children and keep the house tidy. I think she is truly an amazing lady who never gives in to defeat no matter how tough the situation was. I love the way she teach her children to continue to love and respect their father. As for Mr Chong, you can see that he is truly worried about his family. From the piteously guttural cry to a trickle of tears seeps from the corners of his eyes. However, there is nothing he could do to help his family. Imagine the pain he has to go through silently.
To all the couples out there, be nice to your partner, treasure them before it is too late and most importantly be committed!
Siti is really a inspirational wife and mother to many of us, especially those who whine at the slightest problem in life!!
seriously, a person’s hidden strength and true worth is really not known till he/she’s put to the test.
As Buddhist myself, im also convinced that she shares this karmic bond with her husband and family in this lifetime. Thus, everything she does is not out of obligation but one of love, gratitude and awareness of her role to the family.
By: jinhaw on February 17, 2009
at 4:24 pm
interesting writeup from stage 1: initiating to stage 5: bonding
i happened to attend a friend’s ROM ‘s ceremony just 2 weeks ago and listened to the vows that the bride and the groom promised each other in front of the Justice of Peace and the invited guests.
the process feels very heartwarming and esp. I have known these 2 friends for quite some time. hence, i feel very happy for them.
however, i started to ponder of those divorce cases and i wonder if the vows that these couples made previously had crossed their minds?
hence, i think that’s how the second phase on coming apart comes about:
Stage 6: Differentiating
Stage 7: Circumscribing
Stage 8: Stagnating
Stage 9: Avoiding
Stage 10: Terminating
the world that we live in would become a nicer and better world to live in if people starts to be more appreciative on the efforts made by loved ones and have the “heart of a whale” to be able to embrace one’s shortcomings.
By: Meihui on February 25, 2009
at 3:38 pm
I shall be less formal here.
That is an amazing wife and Mother! How many women out there in this world? I personally know a few by example. Nonetheless, it is great to encounter such a woman in life. A woman may not be strong physically, however, the strength of the heat is the most amazing. The amount of torlerance she took to ensure the family. Her selfless dedication. But guys would usually judge appearance a little more than what is really in the heart of the women. But do guys usually judge the appearance of the woman a little more or does he judge the heart more? That is the part can be opened to discussion if there is a new topic.
Sometimes, it is the strength of the father. In the recent Singapore Channel 8, the “Chiang Jiu Da Xing Dong”, featuring Chris Lee and Quan Yi Feng, in one of the episodes, exhibiting a father dedicated to taking care of his ill daughter, Wan Ling, despite being physicaly exhausted from work everyday and a illed wife.
What is the love that made a person of such dedication and commitment?
What is true love?
In a discussion from a Woman division, sharing with us how her friend, a non member, complaint that her husband is not romantic anymore after years pf marriage. Just so happened it was during the Sichuan earthquake. As the two talked on, the Woman division took the opportunity to share to her friend, if the person who was buried under the rubble was your husband, will you still be concerned that your husband is romantic, or would you be more concern if she is still breathing.
The outlook towards life, is sometimes the reason for the unexplained selfless acts that move you to such a commitment.
That hows I come to understand this phrase from Antoine de Saint-Exupery, “True love is not two people gazing at each other, but two people looking ahead together in the same direction”. Relationships last longer when both partners share similar values and beliefs.
True love is not about doing whatever the other person wants or pretending you are something you’re not. Someone who loves you will not insist that you do anything against your will or embroil you in some dangerous activities.
Without respect, no relationship will last very long nor will two people bring out the best in each other. There is a famous Hokkien verse, “Tia Boh Wei, Tua Hok Gui”, meaning, men who listened to their wives will enjoy good fortune. Of course, I have also heard of old men who marries very young wives, and got all their money cheated.
Being attracted to someone can be wonderful. When you fall in love, life seems filled with drama and excitement; you feel life the leading character in a novel. Otherwise, much of daily life tends to be ordinary and unexciting, and making steady efforts day by day can be trying. It’s not always fun. The question is: Does that person inspire you to work harder or distract you? Does his or her presense make you feel more determined to devote greater energies to school activities, be a better friend, a more thoughtful son or daughter? Does he or she inspire you to realise your future goals and work to achieve them? Or is that person your central focus, overshadowing all else?
If you are negleting things, forgetting your purpose in life because you have a crush, then you’re on the wrong path. A healthy relationship is one in which two people encourage each other to reach their respective goals while sharing each other’s hopes and dreams. A relationship should be a source of inspiration, invigouration and hope.
Happiness, is not something that someone else, like a girlfriend or boyfriend, can give us. We have to achieve it for ourselves. And the only way to do so is by developing our character and capacity as human beings, by fully realising our own potential. If we sacrifice our growth and talent for love, we absolutely will not find happiness.
By: Jaxz Chia Hao on March 11, 2009
at 3:14 pm
Hmm pertaining to your question “whether guys usually judge the appearance of the woman a little more or dose he judge the heart more.”
Well the truth is we tend to judge people by their appearance before getting to know them better. Guys tends to be male chauvinist, even if they feel that the woman is doing the right things they wouldn’t dare to praise them as it will make them loose face.
When a person is able to judge another person’s heart rather then the appearance. That person is truly admirable. One need not be beautiful or handsome to be a person of compassion.
As the saying goes.” It is the heart that is important.” WDN 1000
By: annnee83 on March 12, 2009
at 7:35 am
It is an interesting post on what interpersonal relationships are all about (:
Definitely, we see couples like these more often in the past. With divorce rates rising in the recent years, it is even more heartwarming to hear of true stories like that about unconditional love and support. The marriage vows that the Chongs took definitely meant alot to them and it is something that the younger generation can learn from.
We can see that there is more to each stage that occurs with relational development and this stories brings across the message that not all relationships has a “dissolution” end (:
By: brennagh on March 23, 2009
at 4:58 am
The strength of a woman cannot be underestimated, as we can learn from this heartwarming episode by the Chong family. Its never easy to be able to “see” reality as raw as it is unless we experience it ourself. Its only through tough times that we see a person’s true self. And its only through such difficult times that we can see genuine displays of true love.
By: may ling on March 25, 2009
at 4:12 pm
Agreed! The strength of a mother is truly unfathomable. The sacrifice that mothers made for us, yet sometimes we don’t even appreciate them and take them for granted. It’s time we start to cherish them before its too late!
By: annnee83 on March 26, 2009
at 10:52 am